Perseverance

Looking through my journal from China tonight, I came across something I wrote dated 07.january.2010, almost a year ago, four days before I returned home from my time in China. I think its pretty cool, and so I think its should be shared to whoever will listen.

Perseverance (Matthew 7:7-11

“Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you. For each one who asks receives; and he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, if his son asks a loaf, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks a fish, will he give him a snake? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him?”

In His Sermon on the Mount Jesus talked about the virtue of perseverance; firstly in its relevance to prayer, and then giving us motivation to persevere in our service to God.

The principle of perseverance (7-8)

“Keep on asking” and it will be given to you.

“Keep on looking” and it will be found.

“Keep on knocking” and the door will be opened.

Of course, what we’re given, what we find and what is opened to us are often things we don’t expect, or even don’t want at the time.

You can look at it like this

Asking – the first level of inquiry.

Seeking – a step up from just asking, putting an action to our inquiry.

Knocking – another step up, yet another more urgent action, putting perseverance to our action which we put to our inquiry.

And of course, Jesus is a good guy so He gives us a bit of motivation… (9-11)

One thing that continuously brings me to my knees about Jesus is how much of Father is really is. In this passage He actually compares His relationship to us to a father’s relationship to his son. And this isn’t a one off mention, a bribe, that’s actually the real deal – He loves us as His children. And that is a bit of a side note on my part but actually what Jesus is saying is that He wants to give us things, just like a father wants to give his son things when he asks for them. When I think about how much more of a Father He is than my earthly father, I can only imagine the gifts He has waiting for me.

There was a reading in my little book that said…

“How to get there:

Go to the end of the path until you get to the gate.

Go through the gate and head straight out towards the horizon.

Keep going towards the horizon.

Sit down and have a rest every now and again.

But keep on going.

Just keep on with it.

Keep on going as far as you can.

That’s how you get there.”

(day twenty-seven: 14.dec.09)

At the time, I thought it was really cool but didn’t really think about too too much. It came at the perfect time (of course it did, it’s Jesus). It was the exact halfway point of my time away. That was on the Monday of what would become a very testing week. It became the reading that I kept coming back to when things were tough, which was fairly often. I didn’t completely realise it at the time, but perseverance is exactly what this passage was talking about. I honestly think if Jesus was man today, this is exactly how He would have spoken Matthew 7. In such a short passage it mentions the words “keep going” four times, each becoming increasingly insistent. Keep going, keep on going, just keep on with it. Ask, seek, knock. Perseverance. (Another little side note: I love that it says “sit down and have a rest every now and then”, like Jesus is acknowledging that perseverance is really hard work. It’s not an easy walk [but when did God promise us an easy life?], that’s why the prize is so huge. He knows. He was human once too). He gives us a promise at the end: “that’s how you get there” – the prize. Yeah, we gotta go towards the horizon, what’s on the horizon? Often perseverance feels like the horizon, it’s never getting any closer, but it’s a journey. Or it feels like we can’t see what we’re walking towards. But that’s all part of it too. Sometimes perseverance is just putting one foot in front of the other, it’s saying “today, I’ll keep walking” --this is something I learnt over my time in China, but especially over the week that followed this reading in my book. Perseverance takes courage, it takes strength, it takes motivation and a heck of a lot of energy, but Jesus has promised us good things.

Pretty sweet find, huh?

There Let Me Do

For this new day I give Three humble thanks:

for its gladness and its brightness;

for its long waiting to be filled with joyous and helpful labour;

for its open doors of possibility;

for its hope of new beginnings.

Quicken in my heart, I beseech Thee, the desire to avail myself richly of this day's opportunity.

Let me not break faith with any of yesterday's promises,

nor leave unrepaired any of yesterday's wrongs.

Let me see no fellow traveller in distress and pass by on the other side.

Let me leave no height of duty behind me unattempted,

nor any evil habit unassulted.

Where deed of mine can help to make this world a better place for men to live in,

where word of mine can cheer a despondent heart or brace a weak will,

where prayer of mine can hasten the coming of Christ's Kingdom,

there let me do.

There let me do.

What the heck is stopping me?

The Hairy Hand

Between the whimper and the bang life is like a boomerang

thrown by some great hairy hand, spinning out across the land.

Spinning out across the years,

spinning lies and spinning tears.

Spinning heart and spinning brain,

spinning pleasure, spinning pain.

Spinning out and round,

and spinning back towards the ground.

A graceful loop across the land,

then back in the hairy hand.

No matter how many years,

how many lies,

how many tears,

how much heart or brain,

how much pleasure or pain I find outside the arms of the One who made me,

I will forever run back to Him.

Life Goal.

"If Christianity is to be spread in China, it must encounter Chinese culture and meld with it, enabling these two cultures, with their essential differences, to be mutually complementary."

=

Life goal.

I've struggled for a year how to put this into words. And finally, finally, someone put it so simply.

http://www.amitynewsservice.org/page.php?page=1664

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWq60oyrHVQ

Worlds Apart.

Did you really have to die for me?

All I am for all you are

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross

forgetting what my life has cost

and wipe away the crimson stains

and dull the nails that still remain

More and more I need you now,

I owe you more each passing hour

the battle between grace and pride

I gave up not so long ago

So steal my heart and take the pain

and wash the feet and cleanse my pride

take the selfish, take the weak,

and all the things I cannot hide

take the beauty, take my tears

the sin-soaked heart and make it yours

take my world all apart

take it now, take it now

and serve the ones that I despise

speak the words I can't deny

watch the world I used to love

fall to dust and thrown away

I look beyond the empty cross

forgetting what my life has cost

so wipe away the crimson stains

and dull the nails that still remain

so steal my heart and take the pain

take the selfish, take the weak

and all the things I cannot hide

take the beauty, take my tears

take my world apart, take my world apart

I pray, I pray, I pray

take my world apart .

What I need and what I believe are worlds apart,

Did you really die just for me?

Wandering through life is kind of like walking aimlessly,

driving with no destination in mind.

When really, we should be wondering through life,

looking,

learning,

seeing.

Its okay that sometimes I dont recognise myself,

or I've completely forgotten who I am,

because I know that He knows who I am,

and who I should be.

I will find my footing one day and finally learn to walk.

Time

Since Thursday Ive been living in the little rural settlement of Wainui, just outside of Gisborne. And its been absolutely lovely. Although the reason for this trip was to attend the wedding of my beautiful cousin, I have been able to spend a lot of time in my own company, with my own thoughts, in conversation in my maker in the gloriousness of His creation. And THAT has been so needed. Its been pretty close to perfect, watching sunsets on the beach with the creator of the universe. And so humbling to know that the maker of all that stands before me is interested in me. The God of miracles is interested in my every day.

The maker of all that stands before me is interested in me.

The God of miracles is interested in my every day.

This couldn't have come with better timing as well. Contemplating the hugeness of life before me, and the decisions I need to start making about my future is scary, but I can go ahead with this in the front of my mind. And even if the world tells me Im crazy, or that Im a failure, I KNOW that my God doesn't make junk, and He made ME, and sometime soon I know I'll find my footing.

The maker of all that stands before me is interested in me.

The God of miracles is interested in my every day.

We don't yet see things clearly.

We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.

But it won't be long before the weather clears

and the sun shines bright!

We'll see it all then,

see it all as clearly as God sees us,

knowing him directly

just as he knows us!

But for right now,until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation:

Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.

And the best of the three is love.

Of all the things in the world that could frustrate me, one of the biggest things would be that I can't see around the corner. I can't see what's coming for me, or what I'm headed for. But God can. His eyes are so much fuller than mine. As much as I want His eyes, I would never use them like He does. Lovingly.

One day.

The best preparation for tomorrow is the right use of today.

Pity I have no idea what's around the corner.

Release

I think I had some sort of realisation or something today. Its been weird, but absolutely fantastic. Goodness, where to start....the beginning perhaps?

Today was my final day of uni for the year, the end date. I finished my last assignment yesterday and sent it in this morning, and then relaxed, or tried to for the rest of the day. Lately I've been restless, but today was just something else. I felt guilty for doing nothing, like I needed to be doing something all day. I was sick. Vomiting. I was grumpy. And angry. I said some terrible on the squash court today. And then later in the afternoon I think I realised the source of it all. I don't think I have ever imagined myself in the time and space that is today. The end of my academic year, the end of 2010. I've made it here, when so many times I couldn't see myself getting here, getting to today.

I started this year in China, in fact I left for China a year ago (minus 12 days), and I am definitely still grieving that. But I started this year in China, never wanting to leave. I came home and faced a bigger period of remaking and remodeling than I ever could have imagined. I witnessed my first death as a student nurse. I failed at uni. And repeated. I lost my role model much too soon. I was involved in a fairly serious accident leaving my shoulder a bit bummed. And don't get me wrong, there have more moments of joy scattered throughout all of that than I can count, but I think I realised today that I still made it, through the grace of God and the unconditional love of some very special people.

Tomorrow I'm going to breathe. And I'm going to enjoy it. I can't thank God enough for today, and for every day in the past year. It's weird to think that a year ago I'd just finished my first year of study, and I was preparing to go and live in China with the most beautiful kids in the world. I never would have imagined the year to follow, the change, and the new heart and eyes I've been given. And here I am, ready to embark on a brand new adventure in a few days.

Letters to God

Im trying not to doubt you,

but rather trust that you know me,

and my heart,

and what's best for me.

You did create me after all.

Im trying to learn from past mistakes,

and to not make them again,

and again.

And again.

Im still making mistakes,

and it makes me angry with myself.

I wish I had your eyes,

so I could see what you see,

maybe then I wouldnt doubt so much,

and I'd do so much better.

But I think, on second thoughts,

your eyes wouldnt fit me,

theyd be way too big,

and I wouldnt use them like you do.

Lovingly.

Time is turning out to be a funny thing,

sometimes slow and impatient,

sometimes so fast I wonder where its all gone.

And space,

an ever strange notion.

The biggest struggle of all though is a simple question:

Is this the life You have created for me,

or is the life I have created for myself?

"Tomorrow is not a promise - its a chance"

Learning to love Jesus with everything I have is definitely not an overnight job, it really is a learning curve, just like any other relationship. What's different about a relationship with Jesus though, is that we can trust him, and he will never ever let us down. It's really hard to do though, don't get me wrong, sometimes I think it's freaken near impossible to trust him wholeheartedly with EVERYTHING, ALL the time. But then I'm humbled knowing there is not one person in the entire world who hasn't struggled with this. I'm learning who I am in Jesus, and who Jesus is in me. Something Ive been struggling with lately is kinda similar - where my heart lies. I always thought Roskill was my home, but lately, probably since I came home from China, I havent felt quite as at home here. But that doesnt mean God cant use me here while I am still here. I might feel a bit fake sometimes, but that doesnt mean God cant use me through it, or grow me through this, or touch someone else through me. Nothing is above him. Surrender is not a once off, its a constant decision. Sometimes I go through times where I have to wake up every morning and say to myself "Today I choose to follow Jesus, no matter how hard that is", and sometimes it all just comes naturally.

Take it day by day, and it will come.

Signs of Summer

1. I'm peeling from sunburn

2. I watched the sunset at 8pm

3. Stone fruit

4. I haven't worn jeans in about 10 days

5. Auckland temperatures start with a 2

6. Tan lines

7. Not having to use my duvet

8. I can (almost) count the number of days left of uni on one hand

9. Christmas decorations in the shops

10. I don't have to put my ice cream in the microwave to soften it

11. I can't remember being this warm, although of course I have, it was just forever ago

12. Sunglasses

13. Wasps

14. The Air-Con is nearly always on in my car

15. It hasn't rained for AGES

16. There are 15 hours of sunlight a day

17. I contemplate swimming on a regular basis

18. My hair seems a lighter shade of brown

19. I'm sewing more dresses

20. I go to Perth in 18 sleeps, and have been looking forward to THAT for what seems like forever

It's going to be a good one, and I'm excited!!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help."

Humbled.

I worry a lot, quite often about things that I can't change. I waste a lot of worry, and I know this. But last night, after having a bit of a melt down with a non Christian friend of mine, he said..

"God has a plan for you"

And I laughed. I thought he was taking the mickey. But then he said..

"If I believed someone had a plan for me, I don't know how I could worry and stuff."

I was so humbled by this. I hope I can keep this trust in the front of my mind, especially in the foreseeable future.

Empathy.

"A sense of shared experience, including emotional and physical feelings, with someone or something other than oneself."

"Understanding or entering into another's feelings."

"The intellectual identification of thoughts, feelings, or state of another person."

"The capacity to share another being's emotions and feelings."

Hurting because you're hurting.

Today's fight

Teach me, good Lord, to serve thee more faithfully;

to give and not count the cost;

to fight and not not heed the wounds;

to toil and not to seek for the rest;

to labour and not ask for any reward;

knowing that I am in your will,

for it's the safest place I will ever find myself.

Still Be My Vision, Whatever Befall.

Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart,

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best thoughts, by day or by night,

waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word,

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord.

Thou my great Father, I Thy true son,

Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise.

Thou mine inheritance, now and always.

Thou and thou only first in my heart,

High King of heaven my treasure Thou are.

High King of heaven, my victory won.

May I reach heaven's joy, Oh bright heaven's sun,

Heart of my own heart whatever befall,

Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

May I still seek after Him, whatever befall me

Dear Me, Sincerely Me.

It's funny being scared of things that people have been doing for thousands of years.

Like, some people are scared of dying, but everybody (well, almost...) who has lived has gone through it.

So, Beckie, are you going to jump? People have been doing it for generations, and yes its scary, but are you going to let that stop you?

You're not the only one to have ever felt like this, so take the leap. You might surprise yourself.

100

Happy 100th post.

Have I really had that much to say?

Incredible.

Thanks for listening so far.

Theres so much more to come.

prayers

I love reading back previous prayers I've written, like letters to God. I stumbled across this one, dated September 8th of this year.

"I don't want to be disappointed ever. But life is so full of disappointment...

Protect my heart.

I know deep deep down that you are sovereign, I have experienced that, but I really just want to FEEL again.

Really FEEL.

Feel You.

I know you love me, more than I could ever know, and you must break when you see me like this, but I don't know what to do. I feel like ripping this page out, screwing it up and throwing it in the air for you to catch and deal with.

Come and hold my hand again.

Melt my heart again."

It sucks that sometimes we must feel like this. Totally helpless and without any hope. But it's also awesome that we have a God who created the entire universe and everything in it, and yet who loves us each so deeply, whos heart breaks with ours, and whos arms are always wide open.

Hello

I've often said that the word tomorrow is quite possibly the scariest word in the English language. It implies that we can put would be traumatic experiences into the uncontrollable abyss we like to call the future.

But in saying that, I think that the word hello is definitely the most powerful word in the English language. Where would we be if we never said hello? There are some pretty epic people in the world that I never would have met if I didn't have the courage to say hello.

I find it's the simplest words in our language that mean the most. Words like thank you, love, remember, found, belong, true, smile, home, worth, dream, colour, seek, try, real, here and free. Sometimes when I write, I have this mindset that I have to use big, long, fancy words that, when people read them, they have to google them just to find out their meaning. I forget that the best words are the small forgotten, everyday words.

My eighteen year old self

Yesterday I read a book called "What I Wish I knew at Eighteen". It quoted various people's answers to the question:

If you had the chance, what would you tell your eighteen year old self?

And it had me thinking. So I'm just days away from entering my twenties, and so eighteen is all that long ago, BUT it's still long enough to make me want to give my eighteen year old self some advice. So what would I tell my eighteen year old self?

Don't give your heart away so readily.

That's all.

I don't need to have been in dozens of meaningless relationships to give pieces of my heart away. Pieces of my heart are given away every time I open my heart to someone, as soon as I make yourself vulnerable. Don't get me wrong, that can be a good thing - a very good thing - but my heart doesn't belong to just anybody.

Hopefully I can keep my heart a bit more guarded as I explore my twenties.

His Strength is Perfect

I can do all things

Through Christ who gives me strength,

But sometimes I wonder what He can do through me;

No great success to show, No glory on my own,

Yet in my weakness He is there to let me know

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone;

He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.

Raised in His power, the weak become strong;

His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.

We can only know

The power that He holds

When we truly see how deep our weakness goes;

His strength in us begins

Where ours comes to an end.

He hears our humble cry and proves again

His strength is perfect.

October is turning to be more of a monster than I expected.

I'm learning, or trying, to hold onto His strength rather than my own. My own is not enough. I don't think we can truly understand how powerful His strength is until we realise how deep our weaknesses are.

This week...

"He said to them: it is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will recieve power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

- Acts 1:7-8

This passage became very special to me in the time I was preparing to go to China last year. Every time I was unsure, every time something went wrong (and lets face it, lots of things did!), every time I felt opposition or attack. It was always there, gently reminding me that my Father had perfect timing, and was walking with me every step of the way. And now, I'm suddenly brought back to that verse. Perfect timing....perfect timing is what I keep coming back to, and I don't know WHY!!!

I really wish sometimes that my heart was unbreakable. That way, I wouldn't be so scared of life. I'd jump so much more often. But then again, I'd never feel the deepest human emotion, and that's a pretty cool thing to be able to do.

October, you're a big month

This morning I was woken up by a txt from my loving friend Sam Weston. It read:

"You're 20 this month!!! Enjoy your last 9 days before your teenage years go away and never come back. Love you"

To which I replied:

"1. It's 8 days. And 2. Shut up, thats not funny"

Oh October, you're a big month. As if losing my adolescence and entering my 20's all in the same day isn't enough, there are other possibly life altering events looming in your days.

I know that I have to pass through you before getting to November, please be kind to me.

Just keep on walking.

Sam looked at him and wept in his heart, but no tears came to his dry and stinging eyes,

"I said I'd carry him, if it broke my back",

he muttered,

"and I will!'

-Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Jesus loves me this much, and so much more.

He is weeping in His heart as He watches me struggle, but Hid heart is leaping for joy every time I smile.

He's carrying me, and He will never stop.

So encouraging.

I just gotta keep on walking.

Unbreakable

My heart is not unbroken.

It never has been, and it never will be.

And as I contemplate the scariness of it all,

I realise that a life without risk is not a life,

and I take the jump.

I can't say what's around the corner,

but that doesn't mean I don't want to find out.

Because I do.

I really do.

My heart is not unbroken.

It never has been and it never will be.

But as I contemplate the scariness of it all,

I realise that it's definitely worth the risk.

I'm ready for this leap.

Re-intrigued

I'm finally getting excited about my research again.

I'm looking into death, and what happens to us in our last moments here, and our first moments eternally. Its captivating.

I started off really excited about it, then, like everything else, for a few weeks was really unmotivated about it all and tried to forget about it. But today, Im suddenly finding myself re-intrigued with it all.

And Im so EXCITED! Makes a change from the excitement towards finishing uni for the year, for so long Ive yearned for this feeling. THIS feeling that I have right now. I hope I can keep it up for the next six weeks!

His eyes

Sometimes His eyes are gentle

And filled with laughter,

And sometimes they cry;

Sometimes there is a fire

Of Holy anger,

In Jesus’ eyes.

But the eyes that saw hope in the hopeless,

That saw through the fault to the need,

Are the same eyes that look down from Heaven

Into the deepest part of you and me.

His eyes are always upon you;

His eyes never close in sleep.

And no matter where you go,

You will always be in His eyes, in His eyes.

Sometimes His voice comes calling

Like rolling thunder,

Or like driving rain;

And sometimes His voice is quiet,

And we start to wonder

If He knows our name.

But He who spoke peace to the water

Cares more for our hearts than the waves,

And the voice that once said "You’re forgiven",

Still says "You’re forgiven" today.

Sometimes I look above me when stars are shining

And I feel so small;

How could the God of heaven and all creation

Know I’m here at all?

But then in silence He whispers,

"My child, I created you too

And you’re my most precious creation;

I even gave my Son for you."

Psalm 33:13-15, Prov 15:3

His eyes are watching me, always.

Ups and Downs

Life is very up and down.

For a long time Ive felt quite displaced and unsettled where I am and what I am doing. And its a really horrible feeling.

But I think whats worse is that I don't know where the feeling is originated. Like...if its a reaction to the cold, and muscle memory of China. Or me really missing people overseas. Or ACTUALLY God preparing me for something I can't see yet.

Whatever it is, its very...hard, and I would really appreciate knowing the reason for it.

More to this life.

Today I watched in silence as people passed me by,

And I strained to see if there was something hidden in their eyes;

But they all looked at me as if to say

Life just goes on.

The old familiar story told in different ways,

Make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave;

Dream your dreams tomorrow because today

Life must go on.

But there’s more to this life than living and dying,

More than just trying to make it through the day;

More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,

And there’s more than this life alone can be.

Tonight he lies in silence staring into space,

And looks for ways to make tomorrow better than today,

But in the morning light it looks the same;

Life just goes on.

He takes care of his family, he takes care of his work,

And every Sunday morning he takes his place at the church;

And somehow he still feels a need to search,

But life just goes on.

But there’s more to this life than living and dying,

More than just trying to make it through the day;

More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,

And there’s more than this life alone can be.

So where do we start to find every part

Of what makes this life complete;

If we turn our eyes to Jesus we’ll find

Life’s true beginning is there at the cross where He died.

He died to bring us..

More to this life than living and dying,

More than just trying to make it through the day;

More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,

And there’s more than this life alone can be.

About six months ago, a wise friend warned me not to stop living my life, not to let my life stop while waiting for something else. And at that time I took that advice. But lately, it hasn't been a great secret that I have been feeling somewhat displaced where I currently am. It's scary to say the least, but just unsettling more than anything.

But this song. This song is so beautiful. I only came across it this week, and I can't get it out of my head.

Life must go on.

I can't sit around just waiting impatiently for my something awesome. To feel complete. To feel like life is starting. Because life for me started almost 20 years ago. There is more to this life we have than just living day to day. That's not a life. And, what I'm learning more and more each day, there's so much more to life than what I can see. By myself, I am nothing. But He sees so much more, an entire eternity.

He is the only thing that can make my life complete.

Dear Beckie,

I watch you looking out across the raging water
So sure your only hope lies on the other side
You hear the enemy that's closing in around you
And I know that you don't have the strength to fight
But do you have the faith to stand

And believe me now?
Believe me here?
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now
Believe me now.

I am the One who waved my hand and split the ocean
I am the One who spoke the words and raised the dead
And I've loved you long before I set the world in motion
I know all the fears you're feeling now
But do you remember who I am?

Believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear
I am with you
And I am for you

So believe me now
Believe it's true
I never have, I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe me now

I am the God who never wastes a single hurt that you endure
My words are true, and all my promises are sure
So believe me now.

Dear God,

I'm sorry we haven't talked as much as I usually like to. Like, actually talk to you. I know that I'm still writing, but I miss the days of crawling into bed at night and spending time with you. It's not that I haven't wanted to, it's just that I haven't...almost like I haven't been able to bring myself to you lately. I'm not motivated. I'm not motivated for anything at the moment, it's such an unsettling feeling. I feel like I'm just meandering through days...like I'm merely wandering through life, when ideally I should be, and would like to be, wondering through life.

Today was a good day. Thank you for that. Thank you for the people you've so carefully place around me, who love me, and, through my faults and failures and human-ness, always always will. And thank you for time. Time to spend investing in relationships. Time is so cool.

You know what I love, Father? The fact that you know my heart better than I ever will. You created it, after all. And that you see so much more than I do. And that you do your best to gently whisper things to me, and when I don't hear, or choose not to listen, you whisper things loudly, and you don't stop until I hear, or I choose to listen.

I don't understand a lot. I say silly things. I'm sometimes a few sandwiches short of a picnic. But you love me. You love me. And you know me. You know me. And I know that you're always waiting, with arms wide open for me run to.

I'm running. As fast as I can.

Love is a verb

Love is a doing word.

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Today was a beautiful day.

I loved every second of it.

Distance is not as big as it seems.

Looking ahead.

Smiling.

Goodnight world.

The one that wanders is not lost....really?

One of my favourite quotes is one by Tolkin - "And the one that wanders is not lost".
It's been a little while. I've been floating around in my own little world, not really taking too much notice of anything really, and I've pretty much hated doing that. Life is so much better when it's enjoyed! I remember a conversation I had with a friend of mine a while ago, about knowing Jesus, but just really wanting to FEEL. Maybe I'm feeling a bit like that at the moment, just like I'm wandering through life, when really I should be wondering through life.

The last few weeks have seriously, no cliche intended, been a bit of a roller coaster. I'm learning to...learn. I like this. I guess I've been on this road..of learning..for a long time, and that's what's so great about it...I'll never stop learning. Awesome.

Been thinking so much about China, and probably too much about Perth lately. It's hard.

I'm listening to the rain right now. I can't remember the last time it's rained this hard. Usually I like the rain, I love walking in the rain if I'm all wrapped up with an umbrella, but today none of that worked. On my 50m walk, I was soaked through. Really, someone remind me why I live in this city! Although, my trusty red boots kept my feet snuggly warm and dry. Red boots save the day once again it seems.

Little smile moments from my week:
Booking flights to Perth to see some very awesome people. Only 85 sleeps to go, and counting!!
Getting a message from my sister-in-law (in Perth) telling me that she's been reading my blog. That was very very cool. Thanks Emily :)
Seeing a guy in the uni library with the same glasses as me. I felt awesome, and a little bit less like a four eyed geek.
Yesterday, taking the kiddies up Mt Roskill, and hearing these beautiful words come out of a nine year old... "I think God created things for a reason". I guess then...He made me for a reason too.

Coming home

You walk

Through the door

Not the same

As when you walked the other way…

Some days

over and over again

Through the same door

Not noticing the subtle changes…

A year,

Another year

And then you are this lumbering Animal…

From another country and culture

Your skin no longer your own…

And those on the other side of the threshold

They too have changed

Lounging over the edge of the couch

As easily as if it were a tree branch

Or slithering in and out of the tub

Like a snaking river that winds for ever

Through deserts and mountains

And concrete shopping malls

Circling In and out as if in a dance,

Now all in the same room,

Personalities prickle, then soften,

And ceremonial masks drop away

And the essence of being remains

No matter the miles travelled

Or boundaries crossed…

For the heart remembers

What is true…

(L. Harris)

A friend of mine shared this poem with me today. And I cannot tell you just how much emotion came over me as I read these words.

Firstly, sadness, as I remembered being broken and rearranged in China. As I remembered walking through the arrival gates at Auckland Airport a completely different 19 year old girl from the one I was when I walked through the departure gates just two months earlier. As I remembered the nights screaming and thrashing and crying for understanding, and not even knowing myself. And then, after remembering all of that, I remembered that I still feel like that most days.

Secondly, I felt completely humbled, as the realization came that I am, in fact, not the only person to have ever felt like this. As I realised that, if someone has put it into words so perfectly, then they must have felt it, struggled with it, cried out because of it, too.

Thirdly, guilt, in noticing that the person I possibly treated the worst, was the very person to share this poem with me.

But then, came thankfulness. Thankfulness that God chose me. Thankfulness that I was broken, because it meant I came out a better person. Thankfulness that I was saddened, because it meant I was touched. Thankfulness that I was humbled, because it means I don't have to struggle alone. Thankfulness that God chose the right people to put in my path, and that they certainly haven't left me hanging. And thankfulness for the guilt, because it means I am sorry, and that's good.

This poem was wonderful. It has a permanent home on my wall, next to the faces of my beautiful kiddies, and always now in my heart.

Learning to be human

I'm learning that its okay to think of my kiddies in China. And that its okay to cry sometimes when I miss them. And that its okay to want to go back, but to also be a little scared of what that might bring.

I'm learning that its okay to be human, that's what I am after all.

"Now the ocean rises to my knees,

before we know, we'll be swallowed by the sea"

To many times I'm finding myself out of my depth, and I'm scared.

I'm scared about having to grow up and make decisions, life-changing for both myself and those around me, and be wise about life, not looking just to please myself, but actually needing to think about how what I do is going to impact my friends, my family, strangers, the world.

The prospect of moving forward is exciting, but can I just look to the horizon without worrying about when the tide is going to come in?

I'm so not ready to be swallowed.

Personal growth....or something

Today was a somewhat momentous day.

To start with, it was warm!

I was wearing a dress, with little capped sleeves. It didn't emphasize the strapping around my shoulder and upper arm, but it didn't hide it.

Normally, I would wear a cardigan and a scarf to hide it.

But today. Today, I didn't.

And then I went to uni, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Distance..

"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart...I’ll always be with you"

- Winnie the Pooh

My heart is in three completely different places, and I find this rather distressing.

I'm finding that I can't look forward without looking back.

I'm finding myself daydreaming my day away, thinking of somewhere else.

I'm finding that I can't be in one place without missing another place.

And tonight, I'm finding myself broken by this cute little quote by Winnie the Pooh himself.

I wish I could actually be everywhere.