Love is a verb

Love is a doing word.

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Today was a beautiful day.

I loved every second of it.

Distance is not as big as it seems.

Looking ahead.

Smiling.

Goodnight world.

The one that wanders is not lost....really?

One of my favourite quotes is one by Tolkin - "And the one that wanders is not lost".
It's been a little while. I've been floating around in my own little world, not really taking too much notice of anything really, and I've pretty much hated doing that. Life is so much better when it's enjoyed! I remember a conversation I had with a friend of mine a while ago, about knowing Jesus, but just really wanting to FEEL. Maybe I'm feeling a bit like that at the moment, just like I'm wandering through life, when really I should be wondering through life.

The last few weeks have seriously, no cliche intended, been a bit of a roller coaster. I'm learning to...learn. I like this. I guess I've been on this road..of learning..for a long time, and that's what's so great about it...I'll never stop learning. Awesome.

Been thinking so much about China, and probably too much about Perth lately. It's hard.

I'm listening to the rain right now. I can't remember the last time it's rained this hard. Usually I like the rain, I love walking in the rain if I'm all wrapped up with an umbrella, but today none of that worked. On my 50m walk, I was soaked through. Really, someone remind me why I live in this city! Although, my trusty red boots kept my feet snuggly warm and dry. Red boots save the day once again it seems.

Little smile moments from my week:
Booking flights to Perth to see some very awesome people. Only 85 sleeps to go, and counting!!
Getting a message from my sister-in-law (in Perth) telling me that she's been reading my blog. That was very very cool. Thanks Emily :)
Seeing a guy in the uni library with the same glasses as me. I felt awesome, and a little bit less like a four eyed geek.
Yesterday, taking the kiddies up Mt Roskill, and hearing these beautiful words come out of a nine year old... "I think God created things for a reason". I guess then...He made me for a reason too.

Coming home

You walk

Through the door

Not the same

As when you walked the other way…

Some days

over and over again

Through the same door

Not noticing the subtle changes…

A year,

Another year

And then you are this lumbering Animal…

From another country and culture

Your skin no longer your own…

And those on the other side of the threshold

They too have changed

Lounging over the edge of the couch

As easily as if it were a tree branch

Or slithering in and out of the tub

Like a snaking river that winds for ever

Through deserts and mountains

And concrete shopping malls

Circling In and out as if in a dance,

Now all in the same room,

Personalities prickle, then soften,

And ceremonial masks drop away

And the essence of being remains

No matter the miles travelled

Or boundaries crossed…

For the heart remembers

What is true…

(L. Harris)

A friend of mine shared this poem with me today. And I cannot tell you just how much emotion came over me as I read these words.

Firstly, sadness, as I remembered being broken and rearranged in China. As I remembered walking through the arrival gates at Auckland Airport a completely different 19 year old girl from the one I was when I walked through the departure gates just two months earlier. As I remembered the nights screaming and thrashing and crying for understanding, and not even knowing myself. And then, after remembering all of that, I remembered that I still feel like that most days.

Secondly, I felt completely humbled, as the realization came that I am, in fact, not the only person to have ever felt like this. As I realised that, if someone has put it into words so perfectly, then they must have felt it, struggled with it, cried out because of it, too.

Thirdly, guilt, in noticing that the person I possibly treated the worst, was the very person to share this poem with me.

But then, came thankfulness. Thankfulness that God chose me. Thankfulness that I was broken, because it meant I came out a better person. Thankfulness that I was saddened, because it meant I was touched. Thankfulness that I was humbled, because it means I don't have to struggle alone. Thankfulness that God chose the right people to put in my path, and that they certainly haven't left me hanging. And thankfulness for the guilt, because it means I am sorry, and that's good.

This poem was wonderful. It has a permanent home on my wall, next to the faces of my beautiful kiddies, and always now in my heart.

Learning to be human

I'm learning that its okay to think of my kiddies in China. And that its okay to cry sometimes when I miss them. And that its okay to want to go back, but to also be a little scared of what that might bring.

I'm learning that its okay to be human, that's what I am after all.

"Now the ocean rises to my knees,

before we know, we'll be swallowed by the sea"

To many times I'm finding myself out of my depth, and I'm scared.

I'm scared about having to grow up and make decisions, life-changing for both myself and those around me, and be wise about life, not looking just to please myself, but actually needing to think about how what I do is going to impact my friends, my family, strangers, the world.

The prospect of moving forward is exciting, but can I just look to the horizon without worrying about when the tide is going to come in?

I'm so not ready to be swallowed.

Personal growth....or something

Today was a somewhat momentous day.

To start with, it was warm!

I was wearing a dress, with little capped sleeves. It didn't emphasize the strapping around my shoulder and upper arm, but it didn't hide it.

Normally, I would wear a cardigan and a scarf to hide it.

But today. Today, I didn't.

And then I went to uni, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Distance..

"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart...I’ll always be with you"

- Winnie the Pooh

My heart is in three completely different places, and I find this rather distressing.

I'm finding that I can't look forward without looking back.

I'm finding myself daydreaming my day away, thinking of somewhere else.

I'm finding that I can't be in one place without missing another place.

And tonight, I'm finding myself broken by this cute little quote by Winnie the Pooh himself.

I wish I could actually be everywhere.