There are times when Ive cried out,
'God, give me back my heart of stone
and a ladder so that I can climb
up to my head and live there
with doors and windows shut on feeling.
God, God, Im tired of all the hurt.
For a little while, let me live
a second-hand life. Let me tread
the safe path of other people's ideas.
Just let me drop this awesome responsibility
you have given me to grow
through love and pain.'
Then I remember what it's like
to exsist with a heart of stone.
How cold and dead I felt inside,
and how divided the world was
when viewed without love in my heart.
Remembering, I pour myself before God
and whisper into His waiting,
'My God, there is no going back.
It has to be soft heart,
one that is always vulnerable
to the love and wounding
which is life,
which is growth,
which is You.'
(Joy Cowley)
On the day I flew to China, some of my close friends gifted me with a small book that they had put together especially for my journey with readings for each day of my adventure. This was day forty. Its one of the more memorable passages, just because its so flippin true, but so incredibly hard. So many times, not only in China, but still now, I cry out things like "take it all away" and "if only I didnt feel so much", but really I should be thanking Him for the heart He has given me.
Choosing the heart of flesh over the heart of stone is such a difficult decision, but so worthwhile. Yeah, life is full of hurting and wounding, but so was Jesus' and grieving with Him as we walk through life is a great honour and a great learning curve.
