Today was my final day of uni for the year, the end date. I finished my last assignment yesterday and sent it in this morning, and then relaxed, or tried to for the rest of the day. Lately I've been restless, but today was just something else. I felt guilty for doing nothing, like I needed to be doing something all day. I was sick. Vomiting. I was grumpy. And angry. I said some terrible on the squash court today. And then later in the afternoon I think I realised the source of it all. I don't think I have ever imagined myself in the time and space that is today. The end of my academic year, the end of 2010. I've made it here, when so many times I couldn't see myself getting here, getting to today.
I started this year in China, in fact I left for China a year ago (minus 12 days), and I am definitely still grieving that. But I started this year in China, never wanting to leave. I came home and faced a bigger period of remaking and remodeling than I ever could have imagined. I witnessed my first death as a student nurse. I failed at uni. And repeated. I lost my role model much too soon. I was involved in a fairly serious accident leaving my shoulder a bit bummed. And don't get me wrong, there have more moments of joy scattered throughout all of that than I can count, but I think I realised today that I still made it, through the grace of God and the unconditional love of some very special people.
Tomorrow I'm going to breathe. And I'm going to enjoy it. I can't thank God enough for today, and for every day in the past year. It's weird to think that a year ago I'd just finished my first year of study, and I was preparing to go and live in China with the most beautiful kids in the world. I never would have imagined the year to follow, the change, and the new heart and eyes I've been given. And here I am, ready to embark on a brand new adventure in a few days.
It is amazing what happens in a year when you look back on it, when things don't seem to be changing day by day?
ReplyDeleteSometimes, it is ok to be sad, or lonely, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Or guilty for doing nothing. You deserve a break :)
There's that freaking anonymous again. I dont know how you do it Beckie, it'd do my head in....:D You cheeky minx anonymous...or the male equivalent of a minx...if you are a male. :)
ReplyDeleteI think I might feel like this too, come December 17th, my last day of uni this year.....mannnny times I havn't thought I'd get through this uni year....so so close to quitting or not making it, failing or taking a '3month holiday'....feeling your pain sista...I'll remember this post of yours if i'm spewy and angry wordy on the 17th day of December....and then will do a shimmy realizing it's JUST because I've made it...just like you! Congrats and ka pai for persevering gurlfrand, and exciting of what's to come for ya! :)