Coming Home

Two and a half years ago, while in China, I was evacuated for five days through a blizzard. It's an experience that will stay with me for the rest of my days. It was last week in China, and I was so upset to not be spending it teaching. 


Possibly the most vivid memory of the entire ordeal was the day we were able to go back to the  flat. A woman who I'd met just days before but had become close to through the storm turned to me as we were driving down the drive way and said:


Do you feel as though you're coming home?


Very much so. I'll never forget that, that in the midst of coming home to NZ, I felt like Bethel was 100% my home, and I was returning home after this massive storm.


Now, five days before heading back to China for the first time since then, I'm having those same thoughts. Do I feel as though I'm heading home? Very much so. 

Dear past me, Sincerely current me.

Beckie,

Your heart is about to be broken like you never thought possible. Let's not sugar coat this, it will be the worst pain you've ever experienced. And it's going to take you a long time to heal. But, you WILL heal, I promise you. Take the lessons from it and move forward. Better things are coming. You're going to be a nurse. And you'll start to see your friends like the friends they are. You'll even discover friends you didn't know about before. And boy, are you going to LAUGH!


Don't take this letter with fear. Keep living. Don't be afraid to keep loving even though you know you'll be devastated soon. Because in a years time, you won't regret anything. This'll make you who you are in a year. The rebuild is slow, and at times painful, but flip, look at me. I'm YOU in a year's time. And I'm having the time of my LIFE.


Beckie.

So I came to this bizarre realization a few days ago. A little bit scary, but a lot exciting.


I'm both unemployed and single. Most people would find this depressing. Yeah, I did too. Still do at times, in fact. But, it also kind of leaves me totally free and unbound. I head off to China (YAY!!) in 12 days, and although I DO have a return flight, it's sort of exciting to know that I am totally free and available for anything that happens. Whether an adventure awaits in Auckland, China, Nepal or anywhere else, I know that I am not bound to anything, anywhere. 


It's kind of freeing, really. 

After a While

After a while
you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand 
and chaining a soul.
And you learn love doesn't mean leaning 
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 
and presents aren't always promises, 
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up 
and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, 
not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today 
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans 
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure,
that you really are strong and you really do have worth.
and you learn with every good-bye you learn.

Surrender

Surrender - 
To let your peace rest in me,
give up the fighting,
the striving in my own strength.
Surrender - 
To the stillness
to the aloneness-
yet, never without you!
Alone with your spirit
It's easy here.
Your peacefulness is all around me
You are somehow very present
in the changing stillness,
in the pregnant pause of life;
in me.

Things that are making me smile lately.

Day light savings (until next weekend!)

Cloudless days

Conversations with toddlers

Spontaneous plans

Laughing more often

Remembering old songs

Taking photos on a daily basis

Graduation in sight

Girly giggles

Inside jokes

My guitar

Bed socks

Feeling like a nurse

Sunsets

My camera

Special new friends

Self grown vegetables

Homemade popsicles

Making travel plans

My new hoodie

Home cooked meals

Sunny days

Hopeful situations

Today was somewhat of a milestone.

I realised something today that I should have seen a long time ago.

I thought my life fell apart 8 months ago. In a way, it did. But in another way, it was just the next move. I was very close to somebody, and I thought when that person was in my life, I was a better person. In fact, I thought that I was the best person I could ever be. Who I was, was all there was ever going to be. But then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, that person disappeared, and I was left to fend for myself. To figure out if our dreams were my dreams. That took me a long long time. Maybe Im still figuring it out, I dont know. But today I realised something weird. That person showed me who I could be. But in their absence, I've started to see who I am. Who I am as a person, who I am in this world, who I am in God. And she's a different girl to the one a year ago, who thought all she could be was a small nurse with a suburban dream.

How exciting.