Worlds Apart.

Did you really have to die for me?

All I am for all you are

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross

forgetting what my life has cost

and wipe away the crimson stains

and dull the nails that still remain

More and more I need you now,

I owe you more each passing hour

the battle between grace and pride

I gave up not so long ago

So steal my heart and take the pain

and wash the feet and cleanse my pride

take the selfish, take the weak,

and all the things I cannot hide

take the beauty, take my tears

the sin-soaked heart and make it yours

take my world all apart

take it now, take it now

and serve the ones that I despise

speak the words I can't deny

watch the world I used to love

fall to dust and thrown away

I look beyond the empty cross

forgetting what my life has cost

so wipe away the crimson stains

and dull the nails that still remain

so steal my heart and take the pain

take the selfish, take the weak

and all the things I cannot hide

take the beauty, take my tears

take my world apart, take my world apart

I pray, I pray, I pray

take my world apart .

What I need and what I believe are worlds apart,

Did you really die just for me?

Wandering through life is kind of like walking aimlessly,

driving with no destination in mind.

When really, we should be wondering through life,

looking,

learning,

seeing.

Its okay that sometimes I dont recognise myself,

or I've completely forgotten who I am,

because I know that He knows who I am,

and who I should be.

I will find my footing one day and finally learn to walk.

Time

Since Thursday Ive been living in the little rural settlement of Wainui, just outside of Gisborne. And its been absolutely lovely. Although the reason for this trip was to attend the wedding of my beautiful cousin, I have been able to spend a lot of time in my own company, with my own thoughts, in conversation in my maker in the gloriousness of His creation. And THAT has been so needed. Its been pretty close to perfect, watching sunsets on the beach with the creator of the universe. And so humbling to know that the maker of all that stands before me is interested in me. The God of miracles is interested in my every day.

The maker of all that stands before me is interested in me.

The God of miracles is interested in my every day.

This couldn't have come with better timing as well. Contemplating the hugeness of life before me, and the decisions I need to start making about my future is scary, but I can go ahead with this in the front of my mind. And even if the world tells me Im crazy, or that Im a failure, I KNOW that my God doesn't make junk, and He made ME, and sometime soon I know I'll find my footing.

The maker of all that stands before me is interested in me.

The God of miracles is interested in my every day.

We don't yet see things clearly.

We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.

But it won't be long before the weather clears

and the sun shines bright!

We'll see it all then,

see it all as clearly as God sees us,

knowing him directly

just as he knows us!

But for right now,until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation:

Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.

And the best of the three is love.

Of all the things in the world that could frustrate me, one of the biggest things would be that I can't see around the corner. I can't see what's coming for me, or what I'm headed for. But God can. His eyes are so much fuller than mine. As much as I want His eyes, I would never use them like He does. Lovingly.

One day.

The best preparation for tomorrow is the right use of today.

Pity I have no idea what's around the corner.

Release

I think I had some sort of realisation or something today. Its been weird, but absolutely fantastic. Goodness, where to start....the beginning perhaps?

Today was my final day of uni for the year, the end date. I finished my last assignment yesterday and sent it in this morning, and then relaxed, or tried to for the rest of the day. Lately I've been restless, but today was just something else. I felt guilty for doing nothing, like I needed to be doing something all day. I was sick. Vomiting. I was grumpy. And angry. I said some terrible on the squash court today. And then later in the afternoon I think I realised the source of it all. I don't think I have ever imagined myself in the time and space that is today. The end of my academic year, the end of 2010. I've made it here, when so many times I couldn't see myself getting here, getting to today.

I started this year in China, in fact I left for China a year ago (minus 12 days), and I am definitely still grieving that. But I started this year in China, never wanting to leave. I came home and faced a bigger period of remaking and remodeling than I ever could have imagined. I witnessed my first death as a student nurse. I failed at uni. And repeated. I lost my role model much too soon. I was involved in a fairly serious accident leaving my shoulder a bit bummed. And don't get me wrong, there have more moments of joy scattered throughout all of that than I can count, but I think I realised today that I still made it, through the grace of God and the unconditional love of some very special people.

Tomorrow I'm going to breathe. And I'm going to enjoy it. I can't thank God enough for today, and for every day in the past year. It's weird to think that a year ago I'd just finished my first year of study, and I was preparing to go and live in China with the most beautiful kids in the world. I never would have imagined the year to follow, the change, and the new heart and eyes I've been given. And here I am, ready to embark on a brand new adventure in a few days.

Letters to God

Im trying not to doubt you,

but rather trust that you know me,

and my heart,

and what's best for me.

You did create me after all.

Im trying to learn from past mistakes,

and to not make them again,

and again.

And again.

Im still making mistakes,

and it makes me angry with myself.

I wish I had your eyes,

so I could see what you see,

maybe then I wouldnt doubt so much,

and I'd do so much better.

But I think, on second thoughts,

your eyes wouldnt fit me,

theyd be way too big,

and I wouldnt use them like you do.

Lovingly.

Time is turning out to be a funny thing,

sometimes slow and impatient,

sometimes so fast I wonder where its all gone.

And space,

an ever strange notion.

The biggest struggle of all though is a simple question:

Is this the life You have created for me,

or is the life I have created for myself?

"Tomorrow is not a promise - its a chance"

Learning to love Jesus with everything I have is definitely not an overnight job, it really is a learning curve, just like any other relationship. What's different about a relationship with Jesus though, is that we can trust him, and he will never ever let us down. It's really hard to do though, don't get me wrong, sometimes I think it's freaken near impossible to trust him wholeheartedly with EVERYTHING, ALL the time. But then I'm humbled knowing there is not one person in the entire world who hasn't struggled with this. I'm learning who I am in Jesus, and who Jesus is in me. Something Ive been struggling with lately is kinda similar - where my heart lies. I always thought Roskill was my home, but lately, probably since I came home from China, I havent felt quite as at home here. But that doesnt mean God cant use me here while I am still here. I might feel a bit fake sometimes, but that doesnt mean God cant use me through it, or grow me through this, or touch someone else through me. Nothing is above him. Surrender is not a once off, its a constant decision. Sometimes I go through times where I have to wake up every morning and say to myself "Today I choose to follow Jesus, no matter how hard that is", and sometimes it all just comes naturally.

Take it day by day, and it will come.