A confession

Heres an honest thought: I leave for Perth in less than 48 hours, and I terrified of leaving again.

Ridiculous? Maybe not.

See, when I left for China I was scared of how life would change while I was away. I was reassured that those I care about would be waiting, unchanged, and life would just go on like normal. But two months is a long time. A lot changed. I changed, people changed, opinions changed, feelings changed, and I was left completely lost on my return, completey overwhelmed with how the tables had seemed to turn so quickly. But it didnt stop. In fact it got worse. The change continued. And it broke me completely. So much so that I have only just been able to talk openly about China in the last two weeks. So much so that sometimes I even regret going away. So much so that I am sitting here, two days away from seeing two of my most favourite people in the world, and Im frightened.

It doesnt seem very fair does it. That I cant be excited for this, because I cant get past the gut wrenching fear inside me that Im going to come back to more change. To different opinions. To less people. To more tears. Its just not fair. And Im scared. It scares me that change is inevitable. It scares me that change is something that often doesnt come from a mistake Ive made (although sometimes it does!), but change just...happens to us. And it sucks.

I guess our past experiences often fuel our emotions towards the future. Fear is this huge limit for me, and I more often than not step back in fear because of what might have happened in the past. I hate it. But does that stop me from doing it? No. Its how we're wired.

A good friend told me tonight that "God doesnt keep good things from you." Does that mean that everything that happens to me is a good thing? I dont think so. I think it means that when things change, when things are taken away from me and I think life sucks, its because it wasnt in my best interests in the long run.

Change is scary. I admit, Im terrified of what might change in the next few weeks while Im spending time with my brother. But, its going to happen weather I go away or not. Im reminding myself that I only see a few months into the future at best. Jesus sees eternity.