A confession

Heres an honest thought: I leave for Perth in less than 48 hours, and I terrified of leaving again.

Ridiculous? Maybe not.

See, when I left for China I was scared of how life would change while I was away. I was reassured that those I care about would be waiting, unchanged, and life would just go on like normal. But two months is a long time. A lot changed. I changed, people changed, opinions changed, feelings changed, and I was left completely lost on my return, completey overwhelmed with how the tables had seemed to turn so quickly. But it didnt stop. In fact it got worse. The change continued. And it broke me completely. So much so that I have only just been able to talk openly about China in the last two weeks. So much so that sometimes I even regret going away. So much so that I am sitting here, two days away from seeing two of my most favourite people in the world, and Im frightened.

It doesnt seem very fair does it. That I cant be excited for this, because I cant get past the gut wrenching fear inside me that Im going to come back to more change. To different opinions. To less people. To more tears. Its just not fair. And Im scared. It scares me that change is inevitable. It scares me that change is something that often doesnt come from a mistake Ive made (although sometimes it does!), but change just...happens to us. And it sucks.

I guess our past experiences often fuel our emotions towards the future. Fear is this huge limit for me, and I more often than not step back in fear because of what might have happened in the past. I hate it. But does that stop me from doing it? No. Its how we're wired.

A good friend told me tonight that "God doesnt keep good things from you." Does that mean that everything that happens to me is a good thing? I dont think so. I think it means that when things change, when things are taken away from me and I think life sucks, its because it wasnt in my best interests in the long run.

Change is scary. I admit, Im terrified of what might change in the next few weeks while Im spending time with my brother. But, its going to happen weather I go away or not. Im reminding myself that I only see a few months into the future at best. Jesus sees eternity.

On January 11th, 2010, around 4:30 in the afternoon, I walked through the arrivals gate at Auckland International Airport, and finally, after 55 days, saw the faces of four of the five people I love and respect most. It was a true kodak moment, the long awaited return, a moment that I'll hold dear for the rest of my days. In that moment, I was loved. I was hugged like never before. I was cried over. I was laughed with. And at. In that moment, I was home.

That was a moment of grace, but grace never comes without hardship, without broken pieces, without sadness. Now I sit here, on March 13th, more than two months after that moment. And Im finally ready to say, Im not over it. I walked through those doors and smiled at those faces two moths ago thinking "this is peace, this is home, and I'll hold those memories forever, but they are just memories now." Im expected to be 'over it', it was so long ago, and so much has changed since that day, more than I ever thought could change. But today, Im here saying Im not over it. They are not just memories, they are reality.

We live in a messed up world. This world sucks. People screw up. Children are abandoned. Promises are broken. Friends let you down. Wrong choices are made. And consequences follow. Chritians are persecuted. Good people die. Holes are left. Hearts are broken. Lives are lived in poverty. Bodies are sold. The advantage is always taken. Tears are shed. And lives are lost. China definately opened my eyes to things I had never imagined in my scariest nightmares. But without bad news, there'd be no good news.

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears,
Right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow.
But from the other side of all this pain,
is that You I hear, lauging loud, calling out to me?

Saying "See, its everything you said that it would be.
And even better than you would believe.
And Im counting down the days until you're here with me,
and finally, you'll see."

But right now, all i can say is "Lord, how long
before you come and take away this aching?"
This night of weeping seems to have no end.
But when the morning light breaks through,
we'll open up our eyes and we will see.

Its everything He said that it would be,
and even better than we would believe.
And He's counting down the days until He says "Come with me".
And finally, He'll wipe every tear from our eyes,
and make everything new, just like He promised.
Wait and see.

The good news that He is coming. And mistakes will be forgiven. Orphans will be loved. Wrongs will be made right. Holes will be filled. Broken hearts will be mended. Eyes will be dry. Lives will be restored. And we will be made whole.

We will see. Im excited.

In an email I wrote when I was in China, I said "Jesus is alive in China, which is the most exciting thing ever, even if it means I have to hurt for a while." Coming up to Easter, im being gently reminded how much Jesus hurt for our sake. Its okay to hurt and cry and be broken for Jesus. That moment of grace is coming.

I'll give it time, I'll give it space,

and be still for a spell.

When its time to walk that road

we wanna walk it well.

These simple four lines of Brooke Fraser's "Love is Waiting" have been stuck in my head for weeks.

Ive learnt that being 'still' is actually a beautiful place to be in.

The beautiful thing about this snippet of song is that it can be applied to anything. Waiting is hard. Dont I know it.

God's concept of time is completely opposite to our own. Most of the time, we're looking at a week, month, maybe a year of our life, while God's looking at....a lifetime. And we dont often see that until we stop...and are still for a bit. Often the things we are waiting for are things (or at least memories of) that we'll have for the rest of our time on earth. But we want it now. Always now. When we're still, we have time to see that not having whatever it is now, will actually make having it so much more beautiful when the time fits.

Being still these past few weeks, and waiting on God has made me totally refocus (of course, thats never a bad thing!). Its made me calmer, something I didnt think would happen. And its given me patience, knowing that its worth the wait, and in comparison to eternity, its coming soon.