Jesus Wept.

Jesus wept.

Jesus - the Son of God, the Saviour of the World - wept.

Jesus was human.

Jesus experienced pain.

Jesus was sad.

And he allowed himself to be sad.

Jesus showed us that it's okay to be sad.

It's okay to hurt.

It's okay to weep.

And that hes weeping with us.

Maybe we should allow ourselves to be sad more often,

to weep with the Lord, the Son of God

at the brokenness, crapiness, suckiness that surrounds us sometimes.

Because

he showed us that it's okay.

You have searched me, LORD,

and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue

you, LORD, know it completely.

⁵ You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!

How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

I'm learning slowly how much God knows me.

Like, really knows me,

more intimately than anyone else ever will.

And with that comes the fact that he knows what's best,

even more than I know,

because he can see so much more than I can.

I think I've said that before.

He won't abandon me when I'm sad.

When I awake, he's still there,

whether I awake with sadness,

with loneliness,

with joy,

or with excitement.

He is there,

and he is saying

"I know"

Give me today a humility which seeks to sacrifice oneself to honour you.

A vulnerability which acts to engage with my own brokenness.

A faith that walks through the darkness, one step at a time.

And a strength to pick myself up when things seem to have gone astray.

For today, that's all I need.

Vision

I don't think I've ever had a vision. Or I don't think I have. I don't even know if I believe in visions as such. I don't really know what a "vision" is.

But last night something weird happened.

I was lying in bed, after coming home from Perth, in astonishing sadness and grief for the last few months of my life. Almost conversation like silent cries:

"I'm sad. It hurts."

But suddenly, through my ugliness, my brokenness, my tear stained face, Jesus was there. And he hugged me tightly and said:

"I know."

It wasn't a promise that he would solve everything. It wasn't a promise that tomorrow I'll be happy. It wasn't a promise that I would wake up and I would have everything I'd lost back.

It was just a reminder that Jesus knows me, and he is walking with me.

Yes, it still hurts some days.

Yes, I'm still sad some days.

Yes, I still long for a past time some days.

But last night, Jesus was with me, and reminded me that he never left.

Slumber.

Days; they force you back under those covers,
lazy mornings; they multiply,
glory's waiting outside your windows.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Tongues are violent, personal and focused,
tough to be with your steady mind,
Hearts are stronger after broken.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Take from vandals all you want now,
please don't trade it in for life,
replaced your feeble with the fable.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Sing like we used to,
dance when you want to,
taste for the breakthrough open wide.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Come on, sing like we used to,
and dance like you want to.
Come on darlin' open your eyes.
I wanna sing like we used to.
I wanna dance like we want to.
Come on darlin' open up your eyes.

Father God,

Help me to wake up from my slumber. Open my eyes to the other good things you have given me. Help me to learn, and breathe, and get up every morning and live again. I miss just living. Give me my voice back, so I can sing like I used to. Give me back my courage, so I can dance again. Give me back my smile. Give me back my dreams. Give me back the life I once had.

My World Without You

Remember when we first met?

you didn't even know my name.

We fell in love so quickly,

like this picture in this picture frame.

Now I'm down on my knees,

I just need time to put it all back with you.

I'm not trying to prove you wrong,

it feels like sometimes we don't belong.

But this is my world without you,

and I don't want to stay,

I'm gunna burn without you,

I can't see it any other way,

I need you back today.

I'm bringing back the memories,

trying to keep this love alive.

I know the fights were worth it,

but I'm fighting now to survive.

We're not enemies, we just need time

to step away and think this through.

And I know sometimes we'll get it wrong.

But this is my world without you,

and I don't want to stay.

I'm gunna burn without you,

I can't see it any other way,

I need you back today.

My world was made to have you in it,

me and only you.

And I will stay until you're in it.

My world was made for you.

Is it possible to love and hate the same song for the very same reason?

"World without you" by Chris Cope.

Faithful One

Faithful One so unchanging,

Ageless On, You're my rock of peace.

Lord of all, I depend on You.

I call out to You, again and again.

I call out to You, again and again.

You are my rock in times of trouble,
You lift me up when I fall down.

All through the storm Your love is the anchor,

My hope is in You alone.

Help me to believe this, really believe this, Father.

I want to find my hope in You again

I want to find my comfort in You again.

Or maybe I just want to find hope and comfort again.

Today's fight

One day I'll laugh, really laugh.

One day I'll smile, with wide eyes.

One day I'll dream, the way I used to.

One day I'll trust, I'll believe, I'll understand.

But today. Today I'll breathe. It's all I can do.

The End Goal

I used to think that one day I would wake up, and feel like my life was complete.

I guess I sort of always assumed that day would come once I was fully qualified,

in my dream job,

married to my dream man.

I now know that day will never come.

I mean, yes, one day I may wake up fully qualified, ready to go to my dream job, and kiss my dream man goodbye for the day.

But on that day, my life will still not be complete.

I mean,

that's not the end goal.

Jesus is the end goal.

Or He should be anyway.

He is the One I should be aiming for.

The end goal isn't getting married, or finally finishing my degree, or landing my dream job.

The end goal lies in the moment I meet the One who created me, and everything I am.

The One who created my heart, and gave me all the desires I struggle with.

The One who gave me life, through the loss of His own.

I guess its much easier said than done, but C.S. Lewis wrote

"Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither"

Father God,

Help me today to be who you created me to be, who I am in You, and not who I am defined by anything or anyone else. Help me to be who I am now, and not try to be who I might be in the future. Tomorrow's worries are for tomorrow.

Spring is Coming

We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground

The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown.

Now the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stone

And silently seed rise beneath ice and snow

And my heart's heavy now

But I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells me

Spring is coming,

Spring is coming

And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear

Spring is coming,

Spring is coming

It won't be long now, it's just about here

Hear the birds start to sing

Feel the life in the breeze

Watch the ice melt away

The kids are coming out to play

Feel the sun on your skin

Growing strong and warm again

Watch the ground

there's something moving

Something is breaking through

New life is breaking through

Spring is coming,

Spring is coming

And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear

Spring is coming,

Spring is coming

And it won't be long now, it's just about here

Out of these ashes, beauty will rise

Sorrow will be turned to joy

All we hoped for soon will appear

Out of the dark clouds, beauty will shine

All above in heaven, rejoice

Spring is coming soon

Spring is coming soon.

Isn't this beautiful?

Steven Curtis Chapman speaks truth yet again.

It's so easy to wallow, think there's nothing to hope for, see no light in front of you. But let me tell you, spring is coming. Spring is coming soon.

Just for a moment

This morning at church we held a combined service, with a focus of conectedness. Conectedness with each other. Conectedness with God.

It was set up differently, chairs around tables instead of pews all in rows.

We shared ameal together.

Everybody talked to everybody else.

And when we sang, music filled the room.

It was just how church is meant to be, and for a moment, I closed my eyes and I was back in China. Back at church in China. Held in a big room in a smelly hotel. People from all walks of life coming together,sharing their lives, their hearts with each other. With no predjudice, no walls. Just...church. Man, I loved it.

And today, finally Iwas back there, just for a moment.

Mourning vs Rejoicing

As surely as I live, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live.

Ezekiel 3:11

Yesterday we heard the news that Osama bin Laden, founder of Al Qaeda, and mastermind behind the 9/11 terror attacks on the US (amongst others), was killed in an operation authorised by the President of the States. What's more, is our televisions and newspapers were then filled with the sounds and images of rejoicing, as the news broke that the world's most wanted man was executed.

Rejoicing in a life lost.

Rejoicing in one of Christ's creations lost.

Let me clarify. The terror attacks that bin Laden was responsible for were horrific. But he is no more a sinner than I am. Are we forgetting, so soon after celebrating Easter, that Jesus bled and suffered for bin Laden also?

Being human, I for one am caught in the middle of mourning and rejoicing for this death. I would like to think, as a follower of Christ, that I sit more in the mourning side of things. I do not believe the world is a better place now that bin Laden has been killed, no way. Nobody has authority to take another man's life, regardless of their crime.

Martin Luther King Jr. once said "I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

What a man of God.

I'm going to stand with him on this one. I will not rejoice in the death of Osama bin Laden, I will mourn the loss life, as I mourned the loss of the nearly 3000 lives he took on September 11th, 2001, the lives he took before that, and the lives that al Qaeda will continue to take after their founder's death. They are all lives, and in God's eyes, we are all equal.

We Are Not to Decide

Who am I to choose,

what others should have to lose?

To walk away from hopes and dreams,

just to escape the pain.

Who am I to say

"today is my last day"?

To never smile and never laugh,

but also never cry.

Who am I to take the place

of the One who flung stars into space,

the One who loves me as a child?

just because I feel sad.

I am not the one,

the battle has already been won.

I am given life through Him,

and I will give my life back.

Inspired by an attempted suicide.

Riding the Bus

This morning I met Jesus. Today he was in the form of a Maori guy, about my age, on the bus into town. He got on, had a good look around, and then sat next to an older Indian lady and said "good morning, how are you today?". They talked like old friends all the way into town.

Hello Jesus, sorry I havent been looking out for you more often lately. Thank you for showing me how I should be living.

He Knows My Name

I just got home from Parachute Music Festival 2011, where I met two guys from Seabird, one of my favourite bands at the moment. Aaron and Ryan were lovely guys, and I quite often saw them around the Manna store, where I was working a lot of the weekend, and they would wave and say hello. But then something really extra cool happened on Sunday. I was working when Aaron, the lead singer came over and said "Hey Beckie, how're ya going?", and it wasnt until afterwards that I realised he actually knew me by name!! It was pretty exciting, and I went and told pretty much everyone that the lead singer from Seabird knew my name.

But then later that night, I realised something that was infinitely cooler than Aaron from Seabird knowing my name. I realised later that night how silly it was to get as excited as I did about that, when I've known for a long time that a much more famous person knows me by name too. Some would say the most famous person in the history of the world. I suddenly remembered that this guy called Jesus Christ knows me by name, and not only that, loves me more than I will ever know. And suddenly, my feet were put back on the ground, where they should be.

Tonight I feel....

You know that feeling when someone you love is happy, and it just makes you happy?

Yeah, that.

And it makes me smile. Lots.

Meet me here

When you think you've hit the bottom

and the bottom gives way

and you fall into a darkness

no words can explain

and you don't know how you make it out alive

Jesus will meet you there.

When the doctor says, "I'm sorry,

we don't know what else to do."

and you're looking at your family

wondering how they'll make it through...

Whatever road this life takes you down,

Jesus will meet you there.

When the jury says, "Guilty,"

and the prison doors close

When the one you love says nothing,

just packs up and goes

When the sunlight comes and your world's still dark,

Jesus will meet you there.

When you've failed again and all your

second chances have been used

And the heavy weight of guilt and shame

is crushing down on you...

And all you have is one last cry for help

Jesus will meet you there.

When you realize the dreams you've had

for your child won't come true

when the phone rings in the middle

of the night with tragic news...

Whatever valley you must walk through,

Jesus will meet you there.

He knows the way to wherever you are

He knows the way to the depths of your heart

He knows the way cause He's already been

where you're going

Jesus will meet you there.

Jesus come and meet me here,

I'm standing with arms open,

You know my heart better than I ever will,

Come and meet me here.

Homesick...?

A longing to return home.

Missing one's home and family very much when away.

The distress or impairment caused by an actual or anticipated separation from the specific home environment or attached objects.

A strong, sad feeling of missing one's home (and often left-behind loved ones) while physically away.

But....I AM home,

aren't I?