Oh Lord, help me to to live now.

May I be used in the present, not peeking around the corner with expectant eyes.

Some days

Some days I feel like I lost months of my life when I went to China.

Like when people talk about things that happened while I was actually away. Or when I look at photos of my friends, and I'm not there. Or even when I think about the time I lost fluffling around and not sorting stuff out once I was home. And some days I still find myself feeling like a stranger in this land. When I think of all this, the 'fun', the sun, the inside jokes I replaced with stress, suffering, homesickness and tears while I was planning, serving, and trying to fit back into life, I get really sad, and some days wonder how different life would be now if I had never gone.

But then, some days I'll be listening to my iPod and a song will come on that I remember listening to in China. And some days I look at the photos on my bedroom wall and see the most precious faces in the world smiling back at me. And some days, I open my journal and remind myself of the joy I found in the blind orphans and the irreplaceable relationships I made. And some days I look at where I am now, just six months after coming home, and know that its because of all of this. China. And its on these days that I remember, no matter how much fun I think I missed out on, that nothing could ever replace those days I spent in Fangshan.

And Im reminded that this story is a never ending one.

A (sort of) reflection. No lasting damage.

http://beckieruth.blogspot.com/2010/06/romans-53.html

Its funny, I wrote this a little more than a month ago, and tonight reading it back, cant help but...laugh...?

...is that terrible?

I mean, not in a funny-haha-this-is-just-hilarious kind of way. More like in a hmmm-thats-just-the-tiniest-bit-ironic-but-actually-not-funny-at-all kind of way. Im sure that had I not written that, had I not struggled with that passage that week, that life would have dealt exactly the same cards. Like, its not like I tempted fate with that. Its almost like...because I wrestled with that passage, because I held onto it so intensely that week...that maybe I was just that little bit more prepared for what was just around the corner.

I never imagined ever experiencing period of time quite like the last month or so, but the fact is..I did. But looking back, and seeing thoughts like this one actually written down, and thinking back to that crazy tornado dream I had, shows me just how much God is still with me. Even now just thinking about how those two things link together so perfectly, I am reminded of wise words that have been spoken by both my Nan and my Mum in the last month - "NO LASTING DAMAGE". Yes, wounds are still somewhat new. But you know, as it says in Romans, and was affirmed in my dream, I WILL be a nurse one day. My shoulder WILL heal one day. And one day, I WILL see Nanny again.

Goodbye, best friend.

Today, I said goodbye to my best friend.

He never complained.

He taught me to drive.

He never argued back.

He warmed me up on cold nights.

He always had good music to listen to.

He reminded me of old favourite songs.

He always made me feel safe.

He accompanied me on long, would be lonesome journeys.

He never disagreed with me.

And he loved me even after I hurt his face, back in 2007.

Goodbye Billie, I'll miss you tons.

For all we know, we may never meet again.

For all we know, we may never meet again.

Before you go, make this moment sweet again.

We won't say goodnight until the last minute.

I'll hold out my hand, and my heart will be in it.

For all we know, this may only be a dream.

We come and go like ripples on a stream

So love me tonight; tomorrow was made for some,

tomorrow may never come, for all we know.

I dont like the uncertain. I hate not knowing. Im not a fan of surprises.

But thats all just part of living, isnt it? Im learning that I have to accept the fact that I cant change a lot of things. I cant control everything.

And sometimes, in the worst way imaginable, life wont go my way, and it wont make sense.

The word tomorrow scares me to my inner core. It implies that I can put anything I want into the uncontrollable abyss that is the future.

It is the height of uncertainty.

When I go to sleep at night, I dont know what I'll wake up to. Sometimes I'll wake up to what I imagined. Sometimes I wake up to a day unimaginably incredible and life giving.

But sometimes I wake up to unimaginable pain, suffering, hurt, nonsense.

Im learning to hold onto the present. To not live in the past, and not live in longing for the future. Its a really hard task, but its the only way to live the way God intended me to.

For all we know, we may never meet again.