Vision

I don't think I've ever had a vision. Or I don't think I have. I don't even know if I believe in visions as such. I don't really know what a "vision" is.

But last night something weird happened.

I was lying in bed, after coming home from Perth, in astonishing sadness and grief for the last few months of my life. Almost conversation like silent cries:

"I'm sad. It hurts."

But suddenly, through my ugliness, my brokenness, my tear stained face, Jesus was there. And he hugged me tightly and said:

"I know."

It wasn't a promise that he would solve everything. It wasn't a promise that tomorrow I'll be happy. It wasn't a promise that I would wake up and I would have everything I'd lost back.

It was just a reminder that Jesus knows me, and he is walking with me.

Yes, it still hurts some days.

Yes, I'm still sad some days.

Yes, I still long for a past time some days.

But last night, Jesus was with me, and reminded me that he never left.

Slumber.

Days; they force you back under those covers,
lazy mornings; they multiply,
glory's waiting outside your windows.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Tongues are violent, personal and focused,
tough to be with your steady mind,
Hearts are stronger after broken.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Take from vandals all you want now,
please don't trade it in for life,
replaced your feeble with the fable.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Sing like we used to,
dance when you want to,
taste for the breakthrough open wide.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Come on, sing like we used to,
and dance like you want to.
Come on darlin' open your eyes.
I wanna sing like we used to.
I wanna dance like we want to.
Come on darlin' open up your eyes.

Father God,

Help me to wake up from my slumber. Open my eyes to the other good things you have given me. Help me to learn, and breathe, and get up every morning and live again. I miss just living. Give me my voice back, so I can sing like I used to. Give me back my courage, so I can dance again. Give me back my smile. Give me back my dreams. Give me back the life I once had.

My World Without You

Remember when we first met?

you didn't even know my name.

We fell in love so quickly,

like this picture in this picture frame.

Now I'm down on my knees,

I just need time to put it all back with you.

I'm not trying to prove you wrong,

it feels like sometimes we don't belong.

But this is my world without you,

and I don't want to stay,

I'm gunna burn without you,

I can't see it any other way,

I need you back today.

I'm bringing back the memories,

trying to keep this love alive.

I know the fights were worth it,

but I'm fighting now to survive.

We're not enemies, we just need time

to step away and think this through.

And I know sometimes we'll get it wrong.

But this is my world without you,

and I don't want to stay.

I'm gunna burn without you,

I can't see it any other way,

I need you back today.

My world was made to have you in it,

me and only you.

And I will stay until you're in it.

My world was made for you.

Is it possible to love and hate the same song for the very same reason?

"World without you" by Chris Cope.

Faithful One

Faithful One so unchanging,

Ageless On, You're my rock of peace.

Lord of all, I depend on You.

I call out to You, again and again.

I call out to You, again and again.

You are my rock in times of trouble,
You lift me up when I fall down.

All through the storm Your love is the anchor,

My hope is in You alone.

Help me to believe this, really believe this, Father.

I want to find my hope in You again

I want to find my comfort in You again.

Or maybe I just want to find hope and comfort again.

Today's fight

One day I'll laugh, really laugh.

One day I'll smile, with wide eyes.

One day I'll dream, the way I used to.

One day I'll trust, I'll believe, I'll understand.

But today. Today I'll breathe. It's all I can do.

The End Goal

I used to think that one day I would wake up, and feel like my life was complete.

I guess I sort of always assumed that day would come once I was fully qualified,

in my dream job,

married to my dream man.

I now know that day will never come.

I mean, yes, one day I may wake up fully qualified, ready to go to my dream job, and kiss my dream man goodbye for the day.

But on that day, my life will still not be complete.

I mean,

that's not the end goal.

Jesus is the end goal.

Or He should be anyway.

He is the One I should be aiming for.

The end goal isn't getting married, or finally finishing my degree, or landing my dream job.

The end goal lies in the moment I meet the One who created me, and everything I am.

The One who created my heart, and gave me all the desires I struggle with.

The One who gave me life, through the loss of His own.

I guess its much easier said than done, but C.S. Lewis wrote

"Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither"

Father God,

Help me today to be who you created me to be, who I am in You, and not who I am defined by anything or anyone else. Help me to be who I am now, and not try to be who I might be in the future. Tomorrow's worries are for tomorrow.

Spring is Coming

We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground

The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown.

Now the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stone

And silently seed rise beneath ice and snow

And my heart's heavy now

But I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells me

Spring is coming,

Spring is coming

And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear

Spring is coming,

Spring is coming

It won't be long now, it's just about here

Hear the birds start to sing

Feel the life in the breeze

Watch the ice melt away

The kids are coming out to play

Feel the sun on your skin

Growing strong and warm again

Watch the ground

there's something moving

Something is breaking through

New life is breaking through

Spring is coming,

Spring is coming

And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear

Spring is coming,

Spring is coming

And it won't be long now, it's just about here

Out of these ashes, beauty will rise

Sorrow will be turned to joy

All we hoped for soon will appear

Out of the dark clouds, beauty will shine

All above in heaven, rejoice

Spring is coming soon

Spring is coming soon.

Isn't this beautiful?

Steven Curtis Chapman speaks truth yet again.

It's so easy to wallow, think there's nothing to hope for, see no light in front of you. But let me tell you, spring is coming. Spring is coming soon.