free.

Its been, what, three months since I touched down in Auckland after my adventures in China. And what a three months its been. I could have imagined the last three months (make that six!) of my life if I had tried, there was absolutely no way that I could have prepared myself for it! But, its very exciting to say, that Im walking out the other side of that chapter. Heres how.



So, I went to Perth recently, a break that proved more than worthwhile in so so many ways. But while I was in Perth, Easter rolled around. now, for anybody that knows me knows that Easter is my favourtie time of year, but I knew this Easter would be a bit different. I would normally go to BYM Eastercamp at Mystery Creek with the youth of Roskill, just like every other year. But, being in Perth, I had the amazing refreshing reminder of what a usual Easter Sunday church service is like. This particular service was quite graphic and focussed on the absolute brutality of Christ's death. Not just that He died for ME, but He died in the worst possible way, He went without a fight, He stayed quiet and took the beating.

Wow.

And, realising this, I suddenly felt completely at rest. I did not have to carry this hurt, this yukiness that I had been carrying around. Its not mine to carry. He's already taken the beating for me. He's already hurt more than I could ever know so I could walk free from this burden. It is such a freeing feeling!!

A friend who occassionally reads this blog mentioned to me today that the last few posts have been quite dark and depressing and that I needed to write about something happy. And yeah, Jesus DIED, but thats so so so so exciting, because now, I dont have to hold anything back. I can be completely honest about everything in China and since, because I no longer carry that hurt. The fight has been fought, the battle has already been won.

I am so free, its an amazing feeling.

Ask me anything about China, and since. I dare you.

made my day

Today, while I was trying to cull the number of documents on my computer, I found a list I wrote about two weeks before coming home from China. It read:

face to face conversations

hugs

ice cream

fruit

lying in the sun

rain

sundays

my own bed

purple blob

chocolate

my clique

driving

watching a sunrise

and a sunset

jandals

walking

the beach

face wash

mail

church

fast food

jumping in the pool

baking

tap water

singing

laughing

a shower

sarcasm

washing my hair

wearing dresses

radio

blogging.

oh it made my day! :)

A confession

Heres an honest thought: I leave for Perth in less than 48 hours, and I terrified of leaving again.

Ridiculous? Maybe not.

See, when I left for China I was scared of how life would change while I was away. I was reassured that those I care about would be waiting, unchanged, and life would just go on like normal. But two months is a long time. A lot changed. I changed, people changed, opinions changed, feelings changed, and I was left completely lost on my return, completey overwhelmed with how the tables had seemed to turn so quickly. But it didnt stop. In fact it got worse. The change continued. And it broke me completely. So much so that I have only just been able to talk openly about China in the last two weeks. So much so that sometimes I even regret going away. So much so that I am sitting here, two days away from seeing two of my most favourite people in the world, and Im frightened.

It doesnt seem very fair does it. That I cant be excited for this, because I cant get past the gut wrenching fear inside me that Im going to come back to more change. To different opinions. To less people. To more tears. Its just not fair. And Im scared. It scares me that change is inevitable. It scares me that change is something that often doesnt come from a mistake Ive made (although sometimes it does!), but change just...happens to us. And it sucks.

I guess our past experiences often fuel our emotions towards the future. Fear is this huge limit for me, and I more often than not step back in fear because of what might have happened in the past. I hate it. But does that stop me from doing it? No. Its how we're wired.

A good friend told me tonight that "God doesnt keep good things from you." Does that mean that everything that happens to me is a good thing? I dont think so. I think it means that when things change, when things are taken away from me and I think life sucks, its because it wasnt in my best interests in the long run.

Change is scary. I admit, Im terrified of what might change in the next few weeks while Im spending time with my brother. But, its going to happen weather I go away or not. Im reminding myself that I only see a few months into the future at best. Jesus sees eternity.

On January 11th, 2010, around 4:30 in the afternoon, I walked through the arrivals gate at Auckland International Airport, and finally, after 55 days, saw the faces of four of the five people I love and respect most. It was a true kodak moment, the long awaited return, a moment that I'll hold dear for the rest of my days. In that moment, I was loved. I was hugged like never before. I was cried over. I was laughed with. And at. In that moment, I was home.

That was a moment of grace, but grace never comes without hardship, without broken pieces, without sadness. Now I sit here, on March 13th, more than two months after that moment. And Im finally ready to say, Im not over it. I walked through those doors and smiled at those faces two moths ago thinking "this is peace, this is home, and I'll hold those memories forever, but they are just memories now." Im expected to be 'over it', it was so long ago, and so much has changed since that day, more than I ever thought could change. But today, Im here saying Im not over it. They are not just memories, they are reality.

We live in a messed up world. This world sucks. People screw up. Children are abandoned. Promises are broken. Friends let you down. Wrong choices are made. And consequences follow. Chritians are persecuted. Good people die. Holes are left. Hearts are broken. Lives are lived in poverty. Bodies are sold. The advantage is always taken. Tears are shed. And lives are lost. China definately opened my eyes to things I had never imagined in my scariest nightmares. But without bad news, there'd be no good news.

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears,
Right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow.
But from the other side of all this pain,
is that You I hear, lauging loud, calling out to me?

Saying "See, its everything you said that it would be.
And even better than you would believe.
And Im counting down the days until you're here with me,
and finally, you'll see."

But right now, all i can say is "Lord, how long
before you come and take away this aching?"
This night of weeping seems to have no end.
But when the morning light breaks through,
we'll open up our eyes and we will see.

Its everything He said that it would be,
and even better than we would believe.
And He's counting down the days until He says "Come with me".
And finally, He'll wipe every tear from our eyes,
and make everything new, just like He promised.
Wait and see.

The good news that He is coming. And mistakes will be forgiven. Orphans will be loved. Wrongs will be made right. Holes will be filled. Broken hearts will be mended. Eyes will be dry. Lives will be restored. And we will be made whole.

We will see. Im excited.

In an email I wrote when I was in China, I said "Jesus is alive in China, which is the most exciting thing ever, even if it means I have to hurt for a while." Coming up to Easter, im being gently reminded how much Jesus hurt for our sake. Its okay to hurt and cry and be broken for Jesus. That moment of grace is coming.

I'll give it time, I'll give it space,

and be still for a spell.

When its time to walk that road

we wanna walk it well.

These simple four lines of Brooke Fraser's "Love is Waiting" have been stuck in my head for weeks.

Ive learnt that being 'still' is actually a beautiful place to be in.

The beautiful thing about this snippet of song is that it can be applied to anything. Waiting is hard. Dont I know it.

God's concept of time is completely opposite to our own. Most of the time, we're looking at a week, month, maybe a year of our life, while God's looking at....a lifetime. And we dont often see that until we stop...and are still for a bit. Often the things we are waiting for are things (or at least memories of) that we'll have for the rest of our time on earth. But we want it now. Always now. When we're still, we have time to see that not having whatever it is now, will actually make having it so much more beautiful when the time fits.

Being still these past few weeks, and waiting on God has made me totally refocus (of course, thats never a bad thing!). Its made me calmer, something I didnt think would happen. And its given me patience, knowing that its worth the wait, and in comparison to eternity, its coming soon.

Stone or Flesh?

There are times when Ive cried out,

'God, give me back my heart of stone

and a ladder so that I can climb

up to my head and live there

with doors and windows shut on feeling.

God, God, Im tired of all the hurt.

For a little while, let me live

a second-hand life. Let me tread

the safe path of other people's ideas.

Just let me drop this awesome responsibility

you have given me to grow

through love and pain.'

Then I remember what it's like

to exsist with a heart of stone.

How cold and dead I felt inside,

and how divided the world was

when viewed without love in my heart.

Remembering, I pour myself before God

and whisper into His waiting,

'My God, there is no going back.

It has to be soft heart,

one that is always vulnerable

to the love and wounding

which is life,

which is growth,

which is You.'

(Joy Cowley)

On the day I flew to China, some of my close friends gifted me with a small book that they had put together especially for my journey with readings for each day of my adventure. This was day forty. Its one of the more memorable passages, just because its so flippin true, but so incredibly hard. So many times, not only in China, but still now, I cry out things like "take it all away" and "if only I didnt feel so much", but really I should be thanking Him for the heart He has given me.

Choosing the heart of flesh over the heart of stone is such a difficult decision, but so worthwhile. Yeah, life is full of hurting and wounding, but so was Jesus' and grieving with Him as we walk through life is a great honour and a great learning curve.

Home

"There were times I ran to hide,

Afraid to showthe other side.

Alone in the night without you.

But now I know just who you are,

and I know you hold my heart.

Finally this is where I belong."

This made me smile.

If there's one thing I learnt while I was in China,

(of course, there was lots more than just one thing...)

But if I had to pick one thing,

it would be this...

that my identity

isn't found

in a relationship,

not in stuff,

my identity is found in Him

and Him alone.

Because only Jesus knows my heart,

even better than I do myself.

And He's there,

watching me,

holding me,

letting me run away,

but waiting for me

to run home.