Today was somewhat of a milestone.

I realised something today that I should have seen a long time ago.

I thought my life fell apart 8 months ago. In a way, it did. But in another way, it was just the next move. I was very close to somebody, and I thought when that person was in my life, I was a better person. In fact, I thought that I was the best person I could ever be. Who I was, was all there was ever going to be. But then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, that person disappeared, and I was left to fend for myself. To figure out if our dreams were my dreams. That took me a long long time. Maybe Im still figuring it out, I dont know. But today I realised something weird. That person showed me who I could be. But in their absence, I've started to see who I am. Who I am as a person, who I am in this world, who I am in God. And she's a different girl to the one a year ago, who thought all she could be was a small nurse with a suburban dream.

How exciting.

Jesus Wept.

Jesus wept.

Jesus - the Son of God, the Saviour of the World - wept.

Jesus was human.

Jesus experienced pain.

Jesus was sad.

And he allowed himself to be sad.

Jesus showed us that it's okay to be sad.

It's okay to hurt.

It's okay to weep.

And that hes weeping with us.

Maybe we should allow ourselves to be sad more often,

to weep with the Lord, the Son of God

at the brokenness, crapiness, suckiness that surrounds us sometimes.

Because

he showed us that it's okay.

You have searched me, LORD,

and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue

you, LORD, know it completely.

⁵ You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!

How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

I'm learning slowly how much God knows me.

Like, really knows me,

more intimately than anyone else ever will.

And with that comes the fact that he knows what's best,

even more than I know,

because he can see so much more than I can.

I think I've said that before.

He won't abandon me when I'm sad.

When I awake, he's still there,

whether I awake with sadness,

with loneliness,

with joy,

or with excitement.

He is there,

and he is saying

"I know"

Give me today a humility which seeks to sacrifice oneself to honour you.

A vulnerability which acts to engage with my own brokenness.

A faith that walks through the darkness, one step at a time.

And a strength to pick myself up when things seem to have gone astray.

For today, that's all I need.

Vision

I don't think I've ever had a vision. Or I don't think I have. I don't even know if I believe in visions as such. I don't really know what a "vision" is.

But last night something weird happened.

I was lying in bed, after coming home from Perth, in astonishing sadness and grief for the last few months of my life. Almost conversation like silent cries:

"I'm sad. It hurts."

But suddenly, through my ugliness, my brokenness, my tear stained face, Jesus was there. And he hugged me tightly and said:

"I know."

It wasn't a promise that he would solve everything. It wasn't a promise that tomorrow I'll be happy. It wasn't a promise that I would wake up and I would have everything I'd lost back.

It was just a reminder that Jesus knows me, and he is walking with me.

Yes, it still hurts some days.

Yes, I'm still sad some days.

Yes, I still long for a past time some days.

But last night, Jesus was with me, and reminded me that he never left.

Slumber.

Days; they force you back under those covers,
lazy mornings; they multiply,
glory's waiting outside your windows.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Tongues are violent, personal and focused,
tough to be with your steady mind,
Hearts are stronger after broken.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Take from vandals all you want now,
please don't trade it in for life,
replaced your feeble with the fable.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Sing like we used to,
dance when you want to,
taste for the breakthrough open wide.

All these victims stand in line for,
Crumbs that fall from the table just enough to get by,
all the while your invitation.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.
Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes.

Come on, sing like we used to,
and dance like you want to.
Come on darlin' open your eyes.
I wanna sing like we used to.
I wanna dance like we want to.
Come on darlin' open up your eyes.

Father God,

Help me to wake up from my slumber. Open my eyes to the other good things you have given me. Help me to learn, and breathe, and get up every morning and live again. I miss just living. Give me my voice back, so I can sing like I used to. Give me back my courage, so I can dance again. Give me back my smile. Give me back my dreams. Give me back the life I once had.

My World Without You

Remember when we first met?

you didn't even know my name.

We fell in love so quickly,

like this picture in this picture frame.

Now I'm down on my knees,

I just need time to put it all back with you.

I'm not trying to prove you wrong,

it feels like sometimes we don't belong.

But this is my world without you,

and I don't want to stay,

I'm gunna burn without you,

I can't see it any other way,

I need you back today.

I'm bringing back the memories,

trying to keep this love alive.

I know the fights were worth it,

but I'm fighting now to survive.

We're not enemies, we just need time

to step away and think this through.

And I know sometimes we'll get it wrong.

But this is my world without you,

and I don't want to stay.

I'm gunna burn without you,

I can't see it any other way,

I need you back today.

My world was made to have you in it,

me and only you.

And I will stay until you're in it.

My world was made for you.

Is it possible to love and hate the same song for the very same reason?

"World without you" by Chris Cope.

Faithful One

Faithful One so unchanging,

Ageless On, You're my rock of peace.

Lord of all, I depend on You.

I call out to You, again and again.

I call out to You, again and again.

You are my rock in times of trouble,
You lift me up when I fall down.

All through the storm Your love is the anchor,

My hope is in You alone.

Help me to believe this, really believe this, Father.

I want to find my hope in You again

I want to find my comfort in You again.

Or maybe I just want to find hope and comfort again.